Random thoughts, vague ideas, direction-less points

 

It’s been quiet a while since I last posted an entry in this blog, several weeks I guess. Thoughts were so many and they were all stacked inside my mind waiting to be expressed, yet because of my mind limited capability, now I am finding it hard to recall. Ideas were flashing yet undistinguishable, so many points that will support my ideas yet, upon tracking where it would you, I lost the way just before it reaches the end.

 

But there is a thing a really want to right here. I got chances to have quality time with my one and only Jonahtot, chances that could not be at all times possible, could not be at all time impossible. We, for now left the world we once knew and temporarily found haven in the ruins. There good in there but we both really miss our world. I thank her so much for even she has a job, she’s able to steal some time to share with me. At ako naman, always at peace whenever she is beside me, whenever she’s with me coz I could asure she’s fine, ‘di napapagod, walang nagdadabog, and make her smile any time I want to.

 

Last night, I asked her what course she wants to take and I was surprise that she is considering XRM, I was in a shock and ask myself, is she really talking about a course or a type of motorcycle. : D Just kidding. Actually what she mentioned was HRM, yet, accountancy was what she really wanted. I know what ever course she would take, she can do it. The same night I asked what if I’l work outside the country, would everything still be the same? I asked it coz nights before that night, I was so bothered by thoughts what could happen after graduation? I always considering working outside the country where the salary would be enough to make my dreams, aims come true even though it also means sacrificing. Sacrificing to be far from home, family, life I have been used to, friends, back to zero socialization, and most especially, missing her (Jonahtot), yet I truly love her so I really need to sacrifice for our future. There no other girl I wanted to share my life with ‘til the end of time except Jonahtot so it is just right to have good direction, planning kasi ayaw kong mahirapan sya.

 

Anyway, just happened to remember. I was really sad about Jonahtot’s daily routine. Her brother left and all of the house chores were on her hands now. Very tiring for sure, sabayan pa ng pagiging inconsiderate, selfish, numb, lazy ng mga tao sa palagid nye, it was kind of annoying yet I can do nothing and I hate myself for it. But I know God’s plan is perfect and I trust it. Ayaw ko lang talaga na nahihirapan si Jonahtot ko coz she really doesn’t deserve it. At least now she is telling me na about those things and I really appreciate it. Someday, everything will be okay!!!

Ikaw!!!

 

I am sorry Jonahtot for always bringing the past back and for making it our topic. I just told you that maybe it is because I value history! : ) I hate myself for the time I unnoticeably hurting your feelings. It makes me feel bad. But I do hope the behind my actions, YOU could still understand me, like the way YOU always do. Sometime I am being too selfish with my actions that I do not think about what might it cause and I am sorry for that. Mahal ko, I really can’t live life without YOU like what I am always telling YOU. It might sound corny but it’s exactly what my heart is saying. I always worry about YOU. Walang oras na lumilipas without thinking of you. Wala gabi na dumadaan without imagining what our life would be living inside the same house, having members of a family that we can call our own. I am quiet decided about the question “who would I want to spend my eternity with?”, my answer would be “YOU” Jonah Mae Pinero, always YOU! Just what like David’s song says, “I was born for YOU, and that YOU were born for me!”, the reason why we’re here in this world, that line would be! Now and for always, Me and You will remain bound for each other! My promise to love YOU through the rest of my life will be the sole reason of my existence! I love YOU so much Jonahtot ko, more than words could ever say, more than my lips could ever utter!

 

YOU and ME, now…. and for always!!!

Thoughts; just visiting!

 

So here it is. A rare moment once again visit me. I do not know why but thoughts just came pouring down on me now. Feels like a have something very big feeling inside that I really need to release, to write. Maybe I’m just terribly missing her (Jonahtot Ko!) so much.

Walang araw na dumadaan na nawawala yung desire ko na sabihin sa kanya kung gano ko sya kamahal, kung gano sya kaimportante sakin, kung gano ko hindi kakayanin in case mawala sya sakin. She’s my life. Hay… How I really miss her!!!

Just copied 'coz I like it!

The entry below is a note that I read from one of my friends FB account and I really like it for it says what I, as a boy really feels and experience. It answer the questions:

"We boys don’t get butterflies, we get fireworks. We don’t have you on our mind 24/7, but we do have you on our hearts. Often, yes we wait for you to go online, sometimes simply even just being online makes our heart skip a beat, even if we don’t talk. Whenever you talk to us, our face forms that half-smile; it means we are happy but are trying our hardest to not show it, and fail at hiding it. We do miss you all the time; granted, we’d spend all our time with you if possible. We don’t think of the smallest things you say, we think of every word you say, panicking at every single word, trying to define what it really means, to read between the lines. But wait there’s more.

We would love you in a million ways. And once we start loving you there is no going back for us. No matter how hard we try we will always love a girl that has touched us. Us boys when in love will think of that girl first thing in the morning, and think of that girl last before we sleep at night. Whenever we see a couple, our thoughts immediately jump to that girl, and imagine that the couple was us. Every single detail about her is loved; the way she walks, talks, speaks. The sound of her voice. Her laughter. The sparkle in her eyes. Her shy smile. The way she dresses. That cute face she makes when she’s asleep. And the way she says our name that our hearts just explode with mirth, a simple act that no-one else can replicate.

A boy in love with a girl is no simple thing, though ladies stereotype us guys as simple. A man in love is not simple. No. He will be unpredictable. He will be persistent, stubborn, and given the circumstances, if it means carrying you from one side of the world to the other to win your heart, a man in love would. He will be a martyr, giving his all and asking for almost none. He will show you how to appreciate the beauty of the world in a thousand ways, and then he will tell you how much he appreciates your beauty in a million ways.

A man in love is no simple thing."

HuHu...

Aduy...

Maybe sometimes she doesn't know when I am serious and when I am not. I was just kidding a while ago. (Not really) Hehe... Tah, seemed like I made her so annoyed with what I said. Lagi na lang ba? Tah... She turned off her phone. I am trying to reach her for about 2 hours already and yet her phone still says "Unattended". I am sorry Pag Ibig ko... Just really trying to draw you to talk about it eh, hoping that you'll give me an assurance that I always wanna her! Kasi hearing any assurance that you say gives me so much happiness even if I already and always hear it to you. So sorry talaga. Tah, di ako makakatulog nyan! : ( Goodnight na lang.

HmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMmmmM

Thoughts; unsorted!!!

The fan has flown away, leaves nothing but memory. : ) In vague thoughts, I found freedom. It has nothing to do with what others have to say, as long as my manners are obscure, I have nothing to worry!

In this world, sometimes you don't have to make noise so that others would notice you, sometimes, the most noticeable are those who hide. Yet, if someone would act just like he didn't know how to talk, it leaves twin-edged thought that no one could comprehend where the truth lies among the two!

Here, talking obscurely makes my heart smile, keeps my mind awake, my hands energized. Thoughts, unsorted, unclassified, keep pouring down my mind. Writing freely is one of the things I always wanna do. I don't have to worry 'bout the story format which our creative-writing teacher keeps on reminding us. I do not need any outline to follow, just me, my thoughts, the keyboard, and I!

Some could never understand me, some would try but wouldn't succeed, some would act as if they understood me but it would, for sure appear so obvious in my eyes! All truth are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them! Like what I believe, he who that doesn't understand my silence will probably do not understand my words... : )

How long?

How long will I be haunted with this feeling? I'm tired, wanna go on, wanna leave those things for good, yet all of those were easier said than done! How I wish I didn't read it.

Do not think that I am always entertaining this negative feeling, as if I am letting it grow. I wanna go on with life as much as you do, and probably more than you do. Yet, those things I've read were like carcinogens, so hard to kill. I never wanted this feeling, for every time I am feeling this, so many thoughts coming into my mind. San ako nagkamali, san ako nagkulang? Maybe one thing I need to understand is that, where did I go wrong? Upon knowing it, I will have myself mended.

I am not giving a blame to her or to anyone, all the blame must be mine. My love for her, my trust, my faithfulness, my promises, those will never change!

here, in my lonely room, sound of sadness is echoing, torturing me. I wanna break free before I will be a prison of this feeling. Need some help here, badly need some help!

I just hope tomorrow, when I wake up, all is postive!!! :_(

"I trust and love you the most, yesterday, today, and tomorrow"

I realized just now that I really do not have a concrete reason para bawasan ang trust (not the trust your thinking ;D) ko sa kanya. And in any angle, there is maybe totally no reason for me to act this way. Besides she already said that she had never loved them. So now, I will act as if I did not read anything.

"To you my love, sorry for doubting your faithfulness. Now I understand it all. I, as always, proved your faithfulness on our relationship. There are NO lies that has been told, and the three years of our relationship, the whole of it is a pure 'truth'! You are no liar but an honest, loving, thoughtful, dedicated, sweet, understanding, almost-perfect love of my life. You really never want to hurt anyone, just like how i've known you. If I was hurt, it was not your fault but merely mine. Now, if someone would ask me if I have a girlfriend, just like how it used to be, i would answer them with a proud 'YES' with a smile on my face and would even tell them how unique and special YOU really are! MY one and only Jonah, a true gift from above! I am so lucky to have you in my life! I love you so much with all my heart, trust you with all my life!"

HmmmmmmmmMmmmM...

I should have started my 2,000-word evaluation assignment for tomorrows class but what I am just doing is reading her blog posts which leads me to this, writing on my own blog about her. It's already 1:00 am and my eyes are almost closing. I also tried a while ago to visit her wordpress account yet it says her account does't exist. I want her to know about something I always feel so let me:

Since the day I love you, I see you like a porcelain, so fragile so I always treat you like one, yet when we talk about your ability to face life, I see you like a warrior whose weapon is unmatched. I think I already told you this but again I want YOU to know that I admire your way in facing your life's battle. Yet now, what I want you to understand is that, you do not have to face life only with your own, I am already here since the day you owned my heart. Your problems are my problems, too. Your aims are also my aims. Maybe it's because YOUR life is my life and MY life is YOUR life. YOUR heart is MY heart and MY heart is YOUR heart. I will never leave or let you face life just with your own. Just hang on and be still for I am here, striving for our future, determined to get our dreams and someday, together, we'll embrace the victory!

You don't deserve to be lonely, likewise, you don't deserve to shed tears in the things that makes you feel bad. I also want to take this opportunity to say sorry for all the hurts I've caused you. I really don't like to see you down, crying, worrying, although sometimes I make you feel that way and those were the times that I hate myself and I hope you understand. I am already taking my move to build our own secluded world wherein you'll be more than a princess and anyone that'll make you sad will be punished, a world where you can get all that you want. Let us just hope and pray to God to help us make that world come true when the right time comes. Always smile my SweetAngel, my princess, my life, my love! ^...................................^

"My Promise to YOU!"

Now until forever, my words will always be true! What I had promised you yesterday, word for word, is still my promise to you today, and will still be my promise to you tomorrow! I love YOU so much! Looking forward to spend eternity with YOU Pag-ibig KO!!!

What could be the reason?

I am going through a hard time, very hard time right now! Last day she let me read some things, and I really regret the time that I read it. Now, here I am, so down, so much hurt I am feeling inside. I know it happened a very long time pero kahit ganon, napaka bigat pa din para sakin knowing it! Para akong binagsakan ng kung anong napakabigat, parang dinudurog ang puso ko. Nagmahal ako ng tapat at sobra, is this my reward? Nong mga oras na yun, inaabot ak ng magdamag sa netshop just to send her a message saying how much I love her, saying how much I miss her, writing on my blog about her, about how i feel about her. Nong mga oras na yun, whenever someone ask me if I have a girlfriend, I always respond with a proud "YES" na ang tono ay parang sinasabing "Yes, meron akong girlfriend that loves me so much, na nagpromise sakin na no one could replace ME in her heart". I am not blaming her, I blame myself for not being good enough to her! Ang sakit talaga. I really need to understand why it happened! Kapag malaman ko, maybe it'll lessen the load I am carrying (depending on the answer). Hanggang kelan nga kaya ganito? Kahit ako hindi ko din alam, all know is that baka tumagal pa. Lalo na kapag sa tuwing iniisip ko sya, all the words I read flashing vividly in front of me, na whenever i close my eyes every night, bigla na lang ako mapapaluha. I need an assurance, too!

Yet, kahit gano kasakit, kahit gano kabigat, hindi ko pa rin makuhang magalit sa kanya. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko sya eh, and I will never hurt her. OK naman kami ngayon, pero simula nong mabasa ko yun, nagkaroon ako ng nakakatakot na tanong,"Mahal nya ako ngayon, mahal nya pa rin kaya ako bukas?". Kelangan ko din mabuo ulit ang pagtitiwala! I know it'll take time, but I'm sure that the time will come! I just really need to ensure everything 'coz we're not getting younger, instead getting older. I already set my mind, heart, life that she'll be the one that I want to spend eternity with!!! I know everything she said to me the last time we talk is true, but... hay... never mind!

I love her, I love her so. Despite everything I've read, walang nagbago sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya. It actually is telling me to love her even more! I feel this way just because I love her so much that thinking na muntik syang maagaw sakin really hurts me. Di ko kinakaya! I know how much she loves me too, cause I actually am always feeling it! :_(

It's getting better... : )

My SweetAngel,

It feels like I slapped my own face reading my comment on the latest post on your blog! Masunurin ka talga noh? Hmp, can I change it? Hehe... If you don't know what I am talking about, just look for my comment on your blog "Mi Viaje". Mahal ko, together, we'll reach our dreams, together, we'll build our future! Promise me YOU will never leave me 'coz that is also my promise to YOU! Wanna hug you tight. Now, every night, before I am closing my eyes, I always think of the time we've spent together, cause those were that sweetest time of my entire life! I miss your voice, I miss your smile, your hugs, your kisses--one thing I will never miss, I will never miss YOU loving me cause I always feel it, and I know YOU always do. I hope, kahit papano, I am making YOU feel the same way, too! ^.....................................^ Looking forward to the next "Saka Na" of our life! Hay...

Now, until forever...

You said hindi mo pinapansin mga pang-aasar ko sayo. Well, I tell you what. Hindi po pang-aasar yung mga yun. Maaaring yung iba, Oo. But not all. Just that I want you to know all that I feel. Hindi ko intensyon na saktan ka o pasamain loob mo. What I want ay malaman mo nararamdaman ko, at the same time, malaman mong may mali ka kahit papano. And i expect you to do the same for me. Even though silence is the start of wisdom, it will leave me naman clueless of what you feel, making me feel like stupid. I want to make our relationship perfect as much as possible. Remember, by the time I court you, it does not mean that I only want you to be my girlfriend, but it also mean that I am asking you to be my partner through the rest of my life. At habang maaga, maybe it's a good idea that we must learn to work on everything considering each other. I already told you naman diba that "YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I WANT TO BE WITH THROUGH THE REST OF MY LIFE", I already told you diba?

Despite everything, again, I want you to know that you are my one and only SweetAngel, now, until forever!!! Always remember that I always care for you, always loving you more than I did yesterday. You are the person that I care the most. Seloso ako pag dating sayo. I would rather share my toothbrush that have others put even a slight touch on you! I'm selfish, so selfish when it comes to YOU, my SweetAngel! I'm yours, you own me, and I believe you also told me that your mine, I own you (need you confirmation here, please comment! ^-^), that's how it will always be!!!

I Love YOU so much, more than I could ever say!!!

Waking up...

I already am having two sleepless nights and counting. Today, waking up was never that easy, tears fell, hurt felt. I woke up so early but still close my eyes fooling myself that if i would not open my eyes, sadness will not be felt. Adds up to the sadness, the rain pours, the morning cold. What could really be the outcome of this? I don't wanna feel this anymore... For once, i wanna wipe all negatives around me, yet, how? Is this really life? Last days, just last days, we're both happy, so happy but now all is in contrast! : (

Why is it really hard for me? What really is wrong with it? No matter how I use my knowledge in life with all my might, I couldn't cope up, I couldn't find the answer why. My life now, once again is a pile of crap...

What could be the title of what I feel?

Ngayon, gusto ko magsulat ng magsulat ng magsulat, matulog, gumawa ng kung ano, umiyak, tumalon, ibaon ang sarili, pumunta sa kung saan tahimik, maghibernate!!! Sa makatuwid, di ko alam gagawin ko! But on the other side, what really causes this feeling? I was so... kinda lost, kinda hurt. You know the feeling na yung ang sikip sikip ng dibdib mo and you wanna take it out and say, calm down. Yet, it is impossible. I'm hurt so much. No matter how I convince myself that it's fine, it really isn't. I do not know who to turn to cause the person that I LOVE THE MOST, the person THAT I TRUST THE MOST is the same person giving me this feeling. Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako magkukwento, kanino ko isasandal yung ulo ko at huminga ng malalim at sabihin mga nararamdaman ko. I need someone that'll tell, convince, and fool me that it's ok. I can't prevent myself saying all I am feeling. Hay... Is there someone, anyone there that could help me lessen what I am feeling. When you trust someone with all your heart and understanding, you'll be very disappointed to know that the someone you are trusting don't trust you. One more thing, am I not really understanding para hindi KA magpaalam sakin or even consider me at least when making decision? I demand for some consideration, too! Bakit ganito kasakit yun para sakin? Gusto mo malaman? Because I love YOU and I think I am the second one that I love YOU the most, next to GOD! Sana hindi na ito maulit, pakiusap lang. Sana wala na ding taguan, I don't hide anything sayo, I demand the same! Kung pwede lang! Lumuluhod ako at nagmamakaawa! Look, my tears just dripping down my chick, falling on the keyboard of my laptop. Glad my keyboard's spill-proof!

In times like this, all I really want is to kill myself. And speaking of killing myself. Before writing this, I went in front of the gym where she's at, driving the motorcycle so mad with the headlight off. How I really wish kanina na sana sumalpok ako sa kung saan o mag-crash. Mahina ako pagdating sa mga ganito. Why I Keep on experiencing this? I love life, I really love life, but in times like this, I want to end my life!!! : (

Can someone give me tissue? I'm so hurt!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ang dami na namang nangyari but I don't want to think and talk about it. All i know now is, I am really excited. Hmp, do i have to say why? I guess, it's not necessary! Time, passing so slow, but what I want is to forward my life, just now! Excitement! Excitement! Excitement! It is always with excitement that I wake up in the morning wondering what my intuition will toss up to me, like gifts from the sea.

Barely breathing!!!

Those barely-breathing days were over. Hoping everything is settled fine. Those nerve-shaking weeks were over, but expecting for more. I have been VERY busy but it's getting at ease now. I feel like i missed so much in my life but guess what, i also learned and experienced so much with those days. I missed a 9-hour sleep, a 3-times-a-day meal, my classic songs, blog, and what i miss the most is my Love. Specially my late night conversation with her. I feel like i also missed the things that had happen to her. Though what i only lost is the time to talk to her, not the time to think of her. I mean, thinking about her almost every hour of a day is already part of my daily routine, already part of my life.

Sabi sa akin ni Chiechie ay pumayat daw siya. I worry a lot, because maybe of the work, of the schedule, or maybe she's not eating in a proper time. Something also came into my knowledge that made me mad (not at her). Shallow water really makes noise a lot and that's the only thing shallow water could offer. Hay... There's a time/reason for everything. Pero shallow water talaga really makes noise a lot!!! GrrRr... Just don't they ever hurt my girl (physically nor emotionally!)

Dear God,

My life now is a pile of crap. I've been thinking lately about how do I at least lessen the load I am carrying. I feel like nobody's there, feel like i am all alone. I always smile maybe, always laugh, but it doesn't change the fact that I am not happy. There are so many questions bothering me, how, why, when, what. I do not know what to do except to just keep on moving. God, I am not complaining for all of these, it's just that saying these things to you, i found courage. I am not complaining if you let me do mistakes, for every time i talk to you, I am always asking you to let me learn my lesson from my every mistake. Maybe i have so many things/lessons that i must learn that's why i always commit mistake. God, if i could just be at your side right now, just right now, i want to pour my weakness beside you.

God, up until now where i almost consumed 1/4 of my life, i still do not know the purpose of my existence. If I have a purpose here, grant me wisdom and all that i need to serve my purpose according to your will. but, God, if I do not have any purpose to serve here, please take me already but please don't make it painful.

I don't wanna be the reason of loneliness of others, don't wanna be a problem for others, i don't want to bother others.

why?

Why is it that when they are in need, i am always there catching them without saying any word. Why is it that when they failed to do there part i am always there, doing it. Why is it if they need my help, even though i am doing my own things, i pause for a while and help them without even thinking that they already eating the time i must spend for myself. And can somebody tell me that why is it when i am the one who's in need, failed to do my part, and in need with there help, they all ran away from me, leaving me hanging.

I thought, because i am showing them good deeds, good deeds too will be given to me in return. i was wrong. I know life is unfair, but do they even bother to think, just for a second, at least what i've done for them? It's so disappointing.

I know you understand!!!

My life this past few days is somewhat messed up with hectic schedules and a very long list of things-to-do. Having a 3-hour sleep for almost two weeks isn't a good thing. But more than anything, what i hate the most is that, i feel like I lost time for her though there isn't any single second passing without me, thinking of her. I know she'll understand how busy I am, but still, i can't put myself at ease thinking of her while doing those things i must do.

To the girl I always think about, no matter how busy my day is, i will never ever let it pass without thinking of you so much and always remember that my love for you will never ever be lessen, instead will grow even more while longing for the day that we'll be together. Behind every single achievement I have/will have, be it a big or small one, you are always my reason behind!

I love YOU so much mahal ko!!! ^.......^

I thought...

I thought we both made it clear last week. She even used the word "PROMISE", seems like she already forgot how important is that word for me. I am not mad at her, i just don't like it. I don't want her there for some reasons. I do not doubt her abilities, i know she can. I think she just did not understand what i really want her to know, what reasons i have. Hay... kung may magagawa lang sana ako!!!

Hay...
1 pm already, waiting for someone's txt. Class is boring. Sana ok lng sya. I've been worrying since last few days. I don't know what to do. I can feel her sadness and i don't want her to feel that way. : c