Skyhigh...

"Mayday, Mayday" if I could only say. Something had clipped my wings. My engine that I once thought is capable of a 90-degree climb is now failing. Could this be a sign of aging? The wind is friendly, the altitude is right. Clouds, yes, a very soft blanket of cotton it appears to me. Beside me is a determined old plane constantly checking. I struggle, but more than that, she too. Her engine's rattling, her hose is leaking, the rudder's dis-aligned and and the fuselage is shaking. But more than that, she keeps on checking. "Fly now, fly high, mother will be proud and father will jump high, fly now fly high!" I'm trying, I'm crying... though I'm stalling, I'll keep on trying, i'll keep on flying! 

Just thinkin...

"You are the best thing that ever happened to me!" as the song goes, and there is no perfect combination of words I could think of except of that one. I miss YOU every time of the day, every second of every hour. Nakakainis nga lang dahil kapag magkasama tayo, it feels like ang bilis masyado ng oras, yung feeling na kahit na halos buong araw na tayo magkasama, yet when it is time to say goodbye nakakalungkot pa din at ramdam na ramdam na bitin. Truly, there is no other girl I want to spend my forever with than with you. You complete me that when I am with you I do not think about anything or anyone, that I do not have to worry about the future. As long as we are together, all's well. I wanna watch every sunrise by your side and every sunset while holding your hand. To hug you endlessly and make you feel that you are not alone and never will be. I love YOU and I always will be loving YOU! :)

Change, yes it is constant...

Last night was perhaps the saddest night of our relationship. Honestly, I never really thought that you can do it. I was so hurt, so hurt that I cried like a baby, so hurt that I banged my head on the wall. I trusted you, yes i really did. In fact I trusted you more than I trusted anyone else. It's a pity for us that even the most basic "don'ts" in a relationship must be argued by both of us so as to be perfectly understood. That even the simplest things that you fully know I wont want should first be a very big deal so as to keep you reminded. Maybe I should be the one to be blamed here and no one else. Again, I have been reminded for the 4th time how inadequate I am, that I could never be a perfect man for you. I have been given the idea that there is a tendency that you, after so many years that we've been together, through so many ups and downs of life, could turn your back away from me in search of someone else. Maybe that is the most painful thing a guy could feel. Actually, there came a point that I ask myself if you are still the one I have known almost 7 years ago. If you are still the girl I fell in love with, the kindest, most sensitive, ever-loving girl I met. Change, they say it's constant. There is nothing wrong with change, just change for better.

We, guys, are not numb. Though I make you feel that I am strong, deep in side I am not. You think about me having heart of stone, but if you look closer you will see my heart is made of cotton, very absorbent, light and sensitive. I cannot take anything that life throws at me, I also have my limits. It's sad, it's hurting, disappointing, and scary! I hope, I just hope that I can get back the assurance that you once gave me, the assurance that what ever happens, wherever life may take us, promise that you will always love me. I love YOU and I don't wanna lose you!

If and Only

Hindi ko alam kung ano na nararamdaman mo para sakin. If things are still on the same place or has been rearranged? Well, i cannot blame you nor put the blame to anyone else. All were my fault. Sorry seems to lack its meaning if it will be spoken in front of you. I do not know if my hugs would still be like a burning furnace, melting your heart (just like before). If kisses will connect  both of us to know the perfect words we both need to know. All I know and sure of is that, I loved YOU, loving YOU, and will be loving YOU yesterday, today, and tomorrow.


PS
I am hoping to mend things and put it back
in places they were situated before. If and only
you can still forgive and accept me. :(

I might be weak,but not coward

There were no days during those times that i did not worry. Empathy is not shown on texts and calls, because i rather had myself in solitude that talking to you, hearing your voice while thinking pano na lang kung? I really could not stand the blame if it happened. I never left you  alone. I never did! Please don't get me wrong when i chose silence. it doesn't mean that I am a deserter. Everyday, twice or once, i go to church, knell before Him asking for another chance. I did not pray only for myself, but for my parents and of course for your dreams. I'd better be perished than seeing you distantly looking at your dreams, with your hands outstretch. I don't wanna hear your voice because those times, i feel like any words you would say is a blame for me. Though i really should be the one to be blamed. I fast, and  pray and those were the best I can do those times. I maybe weak, but i am not a coward. I maybe weak to face it through with you, but I am not a coward to turn my back on you. I promised before that i will fight your battles, and just because you are not seeing me while you are fighting it doesn't mean that we are not on the same battle field. You pray, i pray. You cried, i cried. You have been worried, I have been worried, and all of those not because of two different battles we fought, but because of one and similar reason. A sniper may not be at all times seen in the battleground, but is always present and killing the same enemies the thanks are killing. Please be reminded, I am but an ordinary person, but i will never let the words that i have spoken to just be like a decoration of my personality.
_________


Whenever I pray to God, i always ask him to teach me the lessons I need to know in living this life, teach me lessons in every wrongful act i may commit. And maybe this is one of those lessons i need to learn. (Thank YOU so much dear God!) I guess, bye for now to sweet little thing we call "praktis". Really, what we should be looking forward is our future. What we must aim for is our own star.

What chapter of my life am I already?

Blog,

it's been a long time buddy. So many things had changed. I made it through the college life but I chose to study again. Here I am now, studying again. Now,  It's very different. I do not have any friends, do not have someone to talk to. Law school, my perception about it is that, it is simply not a place for a young boy like me, yet, I enrolled to study and not to play. Last weeks, I've been doubling my time in order to catch up, but now, I guess I should make it triple. When your background isn't about law, it'll be very hard for you. Whenever I'm inside the classroom,  I feel like a child who doesn't know anything and I do not know how long I will stay that way. Buddy, I'm so down. Feels like no matter how determined I am, it's still hard to catch up. There is so much pressure on me. Specially whenever I think of the fact that it's my mother who's sending me to school, paying my bills, giving me allowances, my heart's breaking. Buddy, she supposed  to be allocating her money for her regular check but instead, she's giving it to me. And I think I am not doing good. I really need a job. 

Thank you buddy for just being at my side, just waiting on my log ins. I totally do not have someone to talk to that's why I'm talking to you now buddy. Jonahtot is also a bit busy coz she  lucky got to send herself to school. Tonight, again I gave my bad attitude at her. Hay... I hate myself for being so weak. If I'm strong enough, I do not have to have this heat on my head. If only I can do well in school, I should be going home, driving slowly, singing, enjoying the road. Hay... So hard if you are getting older. It really is buddy. 

...

Very soon, these questions will be answered. My limit will be tested. I do not know what I need to expect or if do I need to expect or if I have something to expect, all I know is that, I am getting older. There are nights that I stay awake, thinking what life has to offer. I have so many things to do, so many things I desire. Now I know that I should not dream about my future, instead, I should plan. I know I can. God is my strength, I trust Him.