If and Only

Hindi ko alam kung ano na nararamdaman mo para sakin. If things are still on the same place or has been rearranged? Well, i cannot blame you nor put the blame to anyone else. All were my fault. Sorry seems to lack its meaning if it will be spoken in front of you. I do not know if my hugs would still be like a burning furnace, melting your heart (just like before). If kisses will connect  both of us to know the perfect words we both need to know. All I know and sure of is that, I loved YOU, loving YOU, and will be loving YOU yesterday, today, and tomorrow.


PS
I am hoping to mend things and put it back
in places they were situated before. If and only
you can still forgive and accept me. :(

I might be weak,but not coward

There were no days during those times that i did not worry. Empathy is not shown on texts and calls, because i rather had myself in solitude that talking to you, hearing your voice while thinking pano na lang kung? I really could not stand the blame if it happened. I never left you  alone. I never did! Please don't get me wrong when i chose silence. it doesn't mean that I am a deserter. Everyday, twice or once, i go to church, knell before Him asking for another chance. I did not pray only for myself, but for my parents and of course for your dreams. I'd better be perished than seeing you distantly looking at your dreams, with your hands outstretch. I don't wanna hear your voice because those times, i feel like any words you would say is a blame for me. Though i really should be the one to be blamed. I fast, and  pray and those were the best I can do those times. I maybe weak, but i am not a coward. I maybe weak to face it through with you, but I am not a coward to turn my back on you. I promised before that i will fight your battles, and just because you are not seeing me while you are fighting it doesn't mean that we are not on the same battle field. You pray, i pray. You cried, i cried. You have been worried, I have been worried, and all of those not because of two different battles we fought, but because of one and similar reason. A sniper may not be at all times seen in the battleground, but is always present and killing the same enemies the thanks are killing. Please be reminded, I am but an ordinary person, but i will never let the words that i have spoken to just be like a decoration of my personality.
_________


Whenever I pray to God, i always ask him to teach me the lessons I need to know in living this life, teach me lessons in every wrongful act i may commit. And maybe this is one of those lessons i need to learn. (Thank YOU so much dear God!) I guess, bye for now to sweet little thing we call "praktis". Really, what we should be looking forward is our future. What we must aim for is our own star.

What chapter of my life am I already?

Blog,

it's been a long time buddy. So many things had changed. I made it through the college life but I chose to study again. Here I am now, studying again. Now,  It's very different. I do not have any friends, do not have someone to talk to. Law school, my perception about it is that, it is simply not a place for a young boy like me, yet, I enrolled to study and not to play. Last weeks, I've been doubling my time in order to catch up, but now, I guess I should make it triple. When your background isn't about law, it'll be very hard for you. Whenever I'm inside the classroom,  I feel like a child who doesn't know anything and I do not know how long I will stay that way. Buddy, I'm so down. Feels like no matter how determined I am, it's still hard to catch up. There is so much pressure on me. Specially whenever I think of the fact that it's my mother who's sending me to school, paying my bills, giving me allowances, my heart's breaking. Buddy, she supposed  to be allocating her money for her regular check but instead, she's giving it to me. And I think I am not doing good. I really need a job. 

Thank you buddy for just being at my side, just waiting on my log ins. I totally do not have someone to talk to that's why I'm talking to you now buddy. Jonahtot is also a bit busy coz she  lucky got to send herself to school. Tonight, again I gave my bad attitude at her. Hay... I hate myself for being so weak. If I'm strong enough, I do not have to have this heat on my head. If only I can do well in school, I should be going home, driving slowly, singing, enjoying the road. Hay... So hard if you are getting older. It really is buddy. 

...

Very soon, these questions will be answered. My limit will be tested. I do not know what I need to expect or if do I need to expect or if I have something to expect, all I know is that, I am getting older. There are nights that I stay awake, thinking what life has to offer. I have so many things to do, so many things I desire. Now I know that I should not dream about my future, instead, I should plan. I know I can. God is my strength, I trust Him.

:(

Ilang minuto na akong nakaharap sa laptop ngunit hindi ko alam kung papano ko sisimulan na ilabas ang aking sama ng loob. Sobrang naiinis ako. Hindi ko talaga iniexpect na magagawa nya yun. Hindi man lang sya nagdalawang isip na nagdisisyon at pinaalis nya ako. Sinabi ko lang naman na don ka na sa kanya sumakay at ok lang sakin, just to test her. Yet, she failed my test. Umuwi ako para lang sakanya. It will be getting very busy na kasi sa puerto and I decided to have some happy time sa San Vicente with her kasi ilang araw na lang baka mawalan na ako ng oras, and yet ganon ang gingawa nya. Hay... upon driving away so fast kanina, I almost wish na magcrash ako, dahil sa sobrang galit. Hay... so disappointing!

Habang Buhay, Ako’y sayo!!!

Say the words I want to hear, make me feel the promise lingers. Wipe away the pain. Say the words I want to hear although i do not know what words you should bare. Truly, when the heart that loves too much, when hurt, cries so much! Set me free from the jail of questions. Hug me perhaps and let the warm of it melt all the pain away, look at my eyes perhaps and let the pain hide away, or love me forever and let the pain be cured by the passing of time!

You left me April and November you ask yourself why, “does falling when you know you are taken is wrong?” To where I was during that time, completely my love for YOU never felt a doubt, just patiently waiting for the next hello you will be saying. Wherever I go, I will always be true. Yours are my words, my life and my heart, never they will be broken neither be forgotten nor abandoned. Promise me that if I’ll go, no matter how long it would take, I will always be calm knowing when I get back, no tears but of joy I will be seeing.

Just say the words I want to hear that neither do I do not know what words you must bare. Love is powerful, I should say. Use its power to take the pain away. I Know I also hurt YOU, yet, just to give you the idea how badly I felt. Now that we both know, tell me now if YOU intend to love me forever before I consider it that way. If we will again be parted, will your feelings for me remain the same or you be saying that you just learned that feeling never stays the same?

You can hope, believe, and live with my words, that my love will always be for you. Never will I find another woman, nor doubt my love for you. Every sunrise, sunset, thoughts of being with YOU fills up my mind. What I promised YOU yesterday, word for word, I promise you today, tomorrow, and for always.

Life gives me thousands of reasons to fail, but you give me Millions of reasons not to. I love YOU, a love so true, honest and pure, faithful and loyal, relentless, endless. Jonah Mae, habang buhay, ako’y sayo!!!

Aleng Jonah ng buhay ko!

Tunay ngang ang buhay ay hindi patas. Minsan and barko mo’y mabubutas habang ika’y nasa ginta ng paglalayag sa dagat na napakalawak. Ngunit magkaganon pa man, wag ka mag-alala, ako’y iyong salva-bida upang iahon ka. Pangako yan, at hinding hindi mapapako. Dumating man ang araw na kelangan kung lumayo para maghanap-buhay, kahit di tayo magkita, asahan mo sinta ko pagibig ko sayo’y ‘di mapapara.

Bagama’t hindi ako Hari, ikaw ang aking reyna sa buhay kong ito wala nang iba! Reyna ka at syang t’yak, pagkat ang puso ko ay iyong alipin at pagmamay-ari. Ano mang ipag-utos agarang susundin, wag lang kailan man hingin na ika’y lisanin pagkat kailan ma’y di magagawa, iyo sanang ipag paumanhin.

Sa hangin ako’y lilipad, sa tubig ako’y lulutang, maging sa lupa ako’y lalakad, ngunit sa’yo sinta ko, ako’y mahuhulog, diretso sa busilak mong pusong tanging sigaw ay AKO!

Hehe… 5 AM already. Maybe time for me to sleep. ‘til next time! ' Been for years since I last acted like makata. Hehe.. Only for YOU, Jonahtot ko!

YOU and ME is equal to ONE!

You are the greatest gift I ever had, a gift God has given me. You have the ability to either push me up or bury me down, build or destroy me. Your voice is the sweetest, most adorable song I ever heard, that even love songs could find tunes anew. Your touch, soft like a feather leaves my heart beats fast. And when YOU smile, oh, that lovely smile sets everything straight no matter how curve it may be.

Once a loner always a loner, that’s what they say. But with YOU, I found a companion that makes my lonesome life awesome. They asked me have I been to heaven and I told them “Yes!”, they say “When?” I say, “Whenever I’m with YOU!” Sugar and coffee, shoe and lace. Pencil and paper, rose and vase, I say “YOU and ME” “ME and YOU”!

My scary thoughts and the last remembrance

 

It’s 3 AM and Im still up. Can’t really sleep. I’ve been like this the past few days and I know why. Thought that the true life awaits me and approaching faster than gradual bothers me. Yet, I don’t wanna talk about it. Thankful I am that whenever I think of it, the thoughts of Jonah gives it another view. It’s been long since I last post an entry here. It’s not because I do not have something to say but because I  prefer not to say a thing. I actually have so many things I could write here, with beauty and adoration, love and sweetness.

Ok, to lessen the negative feeling I am carrying. I’ve been thinking lately about working abroad, years or so. But questions are too many to at least understand. To be honest, some of those too-many questions are; “Wala kayang maging pagbabago sa pagmamahalan namin ni Jonahtot if I work thousands of miles away from her?” “Pano kung mawalan kami ng communication due to my work or distance, hindi kaya nya isipin na hindi nya na ako mahal?” “And upon thinking that way, hindi kaya sya maghanap ng iba?”. So scary thoughts I know. What life really is waiting for me"? for us? I know my questions sound rather selfish and not trustful yet I wanna be honest with it. Things like these that I read from her diary really makes me so afraid;

November 09, 2008

“Is it wrong to admire or fall for someone when you know that you’re already taken?” the question that still bothers me until now. I had really no idea about it. Coz there’s this person that I really admired so much but he doesn’t even noticed me and he doesn’t even know that I exist.

It’s not that I want his attention or for him to talk to me; I just want him to at least notice me once in a while…

November 19, 2008

It’s so sad to think that the person that you admired so much didn’t notice you at all…

November 15, 2008

Dear Diary,

Nowadays, I find it so boring to text with kuya… I’m really confuse with my feelings…I sometimes think that, I’m being unfair with him…but I don’t know what’s on his mind.

…Is it my fault to feel this way? That I’m slowly falling in love with someone who’s a stranger to me?…

And specially these ones;

“I just have learned that feelings never stays the same, it changes as time passes by.“

“…Sometimes we chat on ym without mentioning about what he knew about me. He would just say that, “oh, nami2ss mo ko noh?” which is true naman…”

I am so afraid to lose her, so afraid… Here, I felt the love she possesses during those times, a love not meant for me.  When I read these writings, I felt a very painful pain I never felt before. To be honest, nong hindi ko pa nababasa ‘tong mga ‘to, wala akong pangamba kahit konte na pwede syang magkagusto sa iba, yet now it changed, and it even changed my attitude. I notice how big changes were. (Now putting it to how it used to be). Hindi ko masabi ‘tong mga bagay na ‘to sa kanya dati but now I can. I guess part of leaving behind the negative past. I am not talking about this to hurt her, it has nothing to do with her. I just feel like saying these things are like throwing them, completely!

Upon writing this, tears still come falling and I hope this would be the last time I’ll cry for this one!