It’s 3 AM and Im still up. Can’t really sleep. I’ve been like this the past few days and I know why. Thought that the true life awaits me and approaching faster than gradual bothers me. Yet, I don’t wanna talk about it. Thankful I am that whenever I think of it, the thoughts of Jonah gives it another view. It’s been long since I last post an entry here. It’s not because I do not have something to say but because I prefer not to say a thing. I actually have so many things I could write here, with beauty and adoration, love and sweetness.
Ok, to lessen the negative feeling I am carrying. I’ve been thinking lately about working abroad, years or so. But questions are too many to at least understand. To be honest, some of those too-many questions are; “Wala kayang maging pagbabago sa pagmamahalan namin ni Jonahtot if I work thousands of miles away from her?” “Pano kung mawalan kami ng communication due to my work or distance, hindi kaya nya isipin na hindi nya na ako mahal?” “And upon thinking that way, hindi kaya sya maghanap ng iba?”. So scary thoughts I know. What life really is waiting for me"? for us? I know my questions sound rather selfish and not trustful yet I wanna be honest with it. Things like these that I read from her diary really makes me so afraid;
November 09, 2008
“Is it wrong to admire or fall for someone when you know that you’re already taken?” the question that still bothers me until now. I had really no idea about it. Coz there’s this person that I really admired so much but he doesn’t even noticed me and he doesn’t even know that I exist.
It’s not that I want his attention or for him to talk to me; I just want him to at least notice me once in a while…
November 19, 2008
It’s so sad to think that the person that you admired so much didn’t notice you at all…
November 15, 2008
Dear Diary,
Nowadays, I find it so boring to text with kuya… I’m really confuse with my feelings…I sometimes think that, I’m being unfair with him…but I don’t know what’s on his mind.
…Is it my fault to feel this way? That I’m slowly falling in love with someone who’s a stranger to me?…
And specially these ones;
“I just have learned that feelings never stays the same, it changes as time passes by.“
“…Sometimes we chat on ym without mentioning about what he knew about me. He would just say that, “oh, nami2ss mo ko noh?” which is true naman…”
I am so afraid to lose her, so afraid… Here, I felt the love she possesses during those times, a love not meant for me. When I read these writings, I felt a very painful pain I never felt before. To be honest, nong hindi ko pa nababasa ‘tong mga ‘to, wala akong pangamba kahit konte na pwede syang magkagusto sa iba, yet now it changed, and it even changed my attitude. I notice how big changes were. (Now putting it to how it used to be). Hindi ko masabi ‘tong mga bagay na ‘to sa kanya dati but now I can. I guess part of leaving behind the negative past. I am not talking about this to hurt her, it has nothing to do with her. I just feel like saying these things are like throwing them, completely!
Upon writing this, tears still come falling and I hope this would be the last time I’ll cry for this one!
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