Life...

I fell out of your mother's womb, now crawling across open country under fire, and will drop myself into my grave someday. That's the summary of life!!!

My Princess DOES NOT deserve to be hurt nor be lonely!!!

I just finished reading her blog that i thought i would never gonna have a chance to read before. It gave me some realizations. I just am being reminded (i always know it though) that she is not an ordinary girl. Some entries made me stop and guess about what's happening, some made me smile, while some almost made my tears fall.

To the girl who owned that blog: I admire how you fight life's battles and enjoy your life's journey. i adore your strength, patient, and ways of living life. You are so special, at every aspect, in every way. i appreciate every thing you do and i really DO NOT want you na nahihirapan. If only i am capable sa mga panahong ito... Someday, ikaw ay magiging dalawa, at pag dumating yung araw na yun, your other half wont let anyone (kahit sino pa sila) made you sad nor hurt you. That's one of those things that a princess like you should enjoy. Time is running but in constant speed, we can cheat time by making things fast, move like in a hurry, then time will come that i will be more capable (sorry for the obscure thought). One thing i wanna ask you, PLEASE let ME help you fight your life's battle!!!

GODSPEED mahal ko!!! i am always by your side, willing to help.

!!!

It is already late, but i am still up. Here, listening to the sound of silence wherein i can find a perfect rhythm that suits what i feel. Because here, i will just close my eyes and i will clearly hear her voice, feel her beside me, here, i can sense her touch. here, i can build the future and put her at the centre. I trust her when she answered my one big question and it calms me whenever i put myself to it. I get excited whenever I think about the Christmas because of her!!! Since 2nd year high school kilala ko na sya at crush ko na siya, at ngayong more than 2 1/2 years nang kami ay I still feel the same old feeling I felt when I fell in love with her, even more intense. . . I miss HER so much!!! I miss Jonahtot KO so much!!! Im glad silence always let me have her in times that we're away from each other!!!

I wanna ignore the outside world and close my eyes so I can be with myself alone, but I cannot do it for she is a part of it and I can't live without her.

It is far difficult this time, but I do not hate this feeling, in fact I love it. there are so many things that happened lately and I thank God so much because those are the rare whiles that i consider myself special. She not once fails to feel that i am special and loved. i wanna spend every sunset with her and eat my every breakfast with her. I have so many questions why i am feeling this but the bottom line is that, there is only one answer.... Love! and if i still ask why, love doesn't need any reason.

Often, i find myself thinking about the future. the future that really scares me, is she still with me many years from now? Will she still love me tomorrow? I hate thinking of those things but fear is just an illusion. Always find myself late at night thinking of her. whenever we talk or just in txt, all i wanna say is that how much I lover Her, though sometimes i think she don't wanna be informed about it again and again, still, I want it. Honestly, frankly saying, this time, she is the only reason that guides me to something.

The biggest question that i have is "Is everything between the two of us gonna be the same tomorrow?"

Random Thoughts...

This gradually changing as how i am feeling it. I am losing the courage, the wit, the ability to do those things i must do. I do not know what is happening, all i know is that i am sinking. Maybe because I trusted myself too much back then, that's why I am feeling/experiencing this. Now that i lost my trust to myself, i still don't see nor feel that somehow I am going up. I must erase the thinking that I have something that others don't have so that i can blend in the environment to cheat the force that pulling me down. I maybe boasts a thing that i do not have from the first place, that's why I trusted myself so. I may always laugh, smile, but can't scape the truth and I hate but must face it. What should I do now?

Someday we'll have it!

Time is always in a rush going away. When it is gone, it's gone. All that would be left are memories, be it worth to be remembered or not. That's how time plays. Lucky me, for before it ran away from me, it gave me so much memories that once again worth to be kept, and be remembered forever. I always reminisce those memories once in a while every half of an hour everyday that made me miss someone. It is also kinda hard for me to imagine how inconsiderable the time is, too. Because no matter how hard we both tried to and plead it to stop even for quite a while, it doesn't stop. It is always like a rushing speed of sound when we were together. We met at sunrise but sunset follows so quick... we met at 1 but the order of the time suddenly breaks and 5 already follows. I wonder, is there anything we could do to ride along the time? For now, time doesn't belong to both of us and what we're just having are stolen, that is the reason why i always wish that time could be paused. But by any chance that we'll have it someday, i will never wish for the time to be paused, instead be happy on every passing of it. Because no matter how fast time runs, i would always be happy spending it with HER!!!

Please...

My future doesn't belong to me. No matter how hard i try to convince myself that all is fine and i am fine, reality could never lie. No matter how many smile i put on my face it couldn't do any good. They always say that i can, bullshit idea. I am not as strong as they think i am. They are always giving me obligations and always saying i could do it, but what it appeals to me is that i must to those things for them and forgets my personal feeling. I do not know where i am going, this was not my dream. I really thought that i have the plan, but it seems like i lost it when my life's chapter changes. What i want for now is to live with my own understanding about everything. I wanna live my life as how i wanted it, i wanna walk my life as how i planned it. I wanna be with my own. Nahihirapan na ako!!! Sana ay maintindihan nila ako someday, before anything could happen... Hirap na ako!!!

One week to go, and the fight is on. But we are still trying to fix those things. I'm so afraid for we might not make it. But still faithful to go through this. I accepted this obligation, i must stand with this, no matter what. Just like keeping a promise. Maybe from the first place, i know we can that's why i get it. Time is always my enemy but always in perfect timing...

Coconut husk on the wheel...

We drove down the road under the thick black clouds with those drops from above starting to fall... Speeding smoothly on top of infinite number of grains of sand, moving as if the wings of love is guiding us. Stopped at the end beside grasses and trees, from their, we see li'l waves kept on dancing along the soft blow of the wind. Drops of water falling down, lasts for quiet long. Under the same umbrella, our only shield from rain, we talked about topics we don't care to repeat again and again until the end of time. Boats passes by our sight, in front of our very eyes. Some look at us, some don't but we still don't care about them. Don't even care being wet. With each other we found comfort, shield, caress and calmness that time. Holding her hand while she holds mine, can say to the world that we are strong enough to whatever odds may come our way. A walk at the shore, we build our own secluded world that no one except us could be part of it.

What a sweet stolen moment worth to be treasured for the rest of our lives, worth to be remembered ever passing of the day. An answered prayer, a part of my dream came true.

^_^

It's unplanned, unexpected... Again, those happy moments were mostly when you don't expect it to happen. Today we had a ride together for a second time, up hill... we took the longest route trying to be with each other longer, cheating the time. Making me wish to have an endless road toward us. An endless driving, an endless time together. We don't care about the dust, even if it covers our face, we don't care about the bumps, we'll just laugh at it, don't even care about the turns, we'll just be surprised about it. Don't care about anything, as long as we were together. We even got a chance to have a glance at the stage, the very special stage i've ever known. There, i heard the sweetest words a guy could ever and want to hear. As time chase us, we ran so slow, but fast enough to make memories out of that stolen time. Two times round the oval with a smile on our face, i wanna hold her but did not get a chance. Maybe next time i will.

Stars always glitter for you

Looking up the sky, crying out loud but no one could ever notice... asking those wishes to please be real like those other wishes that seemed being granted. I asked her the problem and answer it briefly, now that I know why, how i wish i did not ask her. The heart of mine mellows but beats so fast with loneliness along the rhythm cries... i wanna do something, but time and distance are great enemies. you are also missed with those persons you are missing. just hold on tight my love for in your winding road, you can hope for surprises on every turn. Just hold on tight my love for the never-ending battle in this world, time could also be your best friend. Distance could always be in perfect timing. Just as this time, together well fight, i will always be around. Just keep your feet swaying forward and destiny will drive you to where you are bound to be, the best place you can ever be with those persons you're longing for always...

"The Sweetest Thing I Ever Had"

A night with my Angel

She just escaped;

Walking in a vaguely figure, a girl wearing black. Creeping behind darkness, when light shine on her, to my surprise the girl i am seeing is my angel. As our eyes meet, we can't help but smile, and tease each other. Then she gets something in her pocket and hand it to me, three green candies in return of the three white candies i gave her. I just realize how sweet really is my angel. Shyness prevents us both to talk seriously until the time she made me feel calm, we hold each other. Time can fly really fast but during that time we both have only one wish; "to pause the time and give us way to talk and be with each other for long" but we still can see the waves keep on dancing beside the shore, we still can hear people laughing, lights sparkling. We had a talk but can't really say what we wanna say. My heart grabbed that chance to say what i feel in a soft almost inaudible voice. I always wanna let her know that i am willing to wait, i asked her something but she's playing deaf, though i already know what would be her answer.


At the gym;

I hurriedly went there thinking maybe she's already there. But my sweet angel waited me at some corner of the road. Cupids drove her close to me. We had a ride together, could not really believe it.



I do;

At the darkness of the night, we drove up the church., i really couldn't believe it , great happiness is what i am feeling, so happy that i could wish to die after it. At first, with our cupids guidance, we went beyond it but I can't really talk with our cupids' ears lend on us. Inside the God's house there's nobody except the two of us. There, we're at peace, not thinking about the time, about the past, about anything or anyone. Oblivious about the world, only aware about ourselves, our feelings... "Ahem...", and it echoes around, "Ahem..." we both laugh. Then, "Like a scene from a traditional wedding, with a smile on our face, lady cupid asked us a question and we both answered it "I do". Ironically speaking, i was serious with my answer and did wish to make that moment for real. We've given a chance to fill those moments we've missed, those moments that we were divided by the vastness of the sea, hundreds of miles away. At that very hour, we've given freedom to do what we wanna do, to say what we wanna say. But there's always a "but", we've heard the warning, it says stop, we cheated it and we've get few minutes extension, I was so afraid thinking that it could be the last time, the last chance to be with her. Seems like my brain wasn't functioning that time and my heart override it, i hugged her tight thinking that it could be the last time for both of us to be with each other, the last time to say what i feel! I hugged her tight while saying "I love you so much", "I am willing to wait", "Wag kang magbabago"... Those words she uttered right it front of me were the sweetest words I ever heard.


Then suddenly, time, my greatest rival stopped it all, we couldn't cheat it for a second time coz we already hear the raging sound that signals us to stop. I walked out the church holding the hand of my sweet angel without planning to let go of it, wanna put some glue between my hand and her, tie it with chains, locked it up and throw the key away.



24; The best date for us. Once again, i have have been inspired, loving enough to overcome anything, smiling enough to turn every sad moments happy. I am insanely in love, sometimes in solitude, something is sticking on my face, a thing called smile, sometimes, on an ever-changing world of dreams, i see her always and with calmness, sometime in the darkness, i can see her, shining elegantly in the middle of it, sometimes, in the midst of uncertainties, i always see her, being a refuge. I thank God for sending me one of the best angels he had. I am very blessed with my Sweet Angel!!!


If i will be given a chance to whom i wanna spend eternity with, I want to spend it with my own Sweet Angel, my heart's Ate!!!

On her womanhood

I'm glad that she'll be celebrating her 18th birthday here. I may not be invited nor be there, i still am happy with it because at least i will hear something about it from her friends. I'll be able to relate things that surrounds her to the things i know. To see her laugh, smile, glance in a far distance unnoticeable by anyone. On her birthday, i wanna do something that will make her smile, i wanna do something that she would remember with her life's journey. I am planning for it for almost 4 days already but can't think anything best. I was planning to give those cards i bought during those special days that she's not by my side, but i got a li'l problem about it. I am annoyed and disappointed with myself because i can't do anything to make her smile. I really am of no value.

Before, i dreamed about her special day, me holding a gift and flowers knocking on her door. Hear her wishes and say my wishes for her, too. i wanna be the first person to greet her and the last person beside her during her special day. But as that day approaches, it seems like the last words i will say; "I am sorry for being worthless"

Snow man...

Astig!!! Snow man in the sky during the night. Hehe. Just kidding. What I actually saw were the moon and the planet Venus close apart. Resembling like a snowman. T'was the first time i saw a thing like it. So, i hurriedly went home, grab my camera and took a picture of it on a special place! Where? beside my love's house without her knowledge. Hmp, kasi i wanna share that amazing moment with her, kahit na sa tabi man lang ng bahay nila it already means a lot to me. I watched the moon and Venus while texting her until the planet vanished behind the moon.

At least in my own li'l way, i spent that moment beside her (house)... ^_^

"The tale of three white rabbits"

There comes an unexpected time when after so many months, day, hours, passed our eyes meet again. Bound with a special string called love, we're still with each other. Inside the school's perimeter, she appeared, sat down with our old pals' companion, talking, laughing. My eyes keep on staring at her. Whenever she notice these eyes of mine looking at her, we smiled. But, suddenly.... my sisters turned the lights of my happiness off for a while asked me to buy something outside. When i came back, her auntie was sitting beside her. Past 8, still waiting for her to have time that i can still. I texted her that i have something to give her. I wait and wait until the time comes... I got 4 white rabbits in my pocket i ate 1, made it 3... (TO BE CONTINUED) !!!

Again, Ate,

Mas mahirap pala at mas masakit na nakikita kita but can't talk to you, can't hold you. But maybe God is preparing a very special moment for both of us. Siguro we'll have to wait and wait and never get tired of waiting. Please, promise me na hindi ka mapapagod!!! You are my Sweet Angel now and for always... Please promise me!!!

Me and You

KENNY CHESNEY


Ordinary no, really don't think so
Not a love this true

Common destiny

We were meant to be

Me and you

Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
We're a dream come true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There's no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Every day I live
Try my best to give
All I have to you
Thank the stars above
That we share this love Me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There's no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Ordinary no, I really don't think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you

Ate...

Just in case you'll be interested with those times before inaway moko, hehe, just visit this... bongok-ii.blogspot.com. I am looking forward to reading your comment/s. Please leave some, at least!!! Salamat...

JUST THAT!!!

Sometimes i feel like being so small, too small to be seen by the world, but vaguely thinking if the world is playing with me. Just like if i say yes, the world will say no. if i say i can, the world will reply, you can't. If I'll give my very best on everything i do, the world seems do its very best too, more than the best i can to make things hard. I sometimes want to give up, but sometimes, it is also the world than keeps me in the game, how can someone let go of someone that makes her/him happy? There's a lot of pressure on me, pushing me down, often until i kneel to the ground. things like that can be very hard to explain. like a clown wearing a mask, behind the mask, more often than not is a frown face. Hypocrisy sometimes calms myself knowing that it prevents myself to know what i really feel.

'te,

We always are having some difficulties figuring what love is only because it changes every time. Love has its ups and downs, and only the faithful, true, honest, kind, and determined will survive. Yon nga lang, loving is also an endless battle and failure is not an option. When it's gone, it will come back if and only it wouldn't change. I never change, at sana ikaw din.

I will embrace the whole you even if someday i will find you looking at life so different as how i look at it. I will try to cope with it. Sa lahat na yata na letter na binigay ko sayo ay sinabi ko to, but please allow me pa din to say this, "I love you more than ever before" i even love you more than ever before 3 mins. ago. I couldn't imagine living my life without you. I have so many things to tell you, kaya sana anyhow mabawasan. But there are things i can't write here coz i want you to hear it from me personally. The foundation we both build many years ago is growing stronger until now and doesn't let us fall apart. You understand me more than anyone, you care for me more than anyone, and perhaps love me more than anyone. That's how i feel even if minsan mo lang sabihin feelings mo for me. I am always feeling it. I just hope na tama naman nararamdaman ko. Hehe. You are the only one who can tell me that.

Please hold on, please be still, be tough!!! Time will come for us to show the world what we really feel. Hold on. Always remember our promise. "I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I COULD EVER SAY"

Beau

What now??

Now, i do not know. Someone asked me about our status? Can i answer him then if neither her nor me do not know what we really are. We only know that we love each other, i am pretty sure of it. I asked her once, but she did not respond. I wanna ask her again, but i want it personally. I never give up loving her, yes i met persons whom i thought could replace her but i always end up longing for her. Sometimes am assuring myself that she is already the girl whom i wanna spend eternity with and that sometimes are those times every night when i am lying in bed thinking deeply. But i am so afraid, what if there comes the time that we wont see each other again? What if the feeling she had for me fades? What if...

I wanna hold her tight, hug her and tell her how much i really love her before it is too late. I wanna hold her hand tighter as i used to and look at her in the eyes and say how much she really means to me. Hay... i just wish i were P-J so she can take me wherever she may go, share moments together, laugh together, walk together, eat together. I wish i were P-J, i don't care kahit ilang beses nya ako madaganan at mapirat, at least i am always with her. I always want to be with you, Ate!!!

Wha

Now, i do not know. Someone asked me about our status? Can i answer him then if neither her nor me do not know what we really are. We only know that we love each other, i am pretty sure of it. I asked her once, but she did not respond. I wanna ask her again, but i want it personally. I never give up loving her, yes i met persons whom i thought could replace her but i always end up longing for her. Sometime am assuring myself that she is already the girl whom i wanna spend eternity with and that sometimes are those times every night when i am lying in bed thinking deeply. But i am so afraid, what if there comes the time that we wont see each other again? What if the feeling she had for me fades? What if...

I wanna hold her tight, hug her and tell her how much i really love her before it is too late. I wanna hold her hand tighter as i used to and look at her in the eyes and say how much she really means to me. Hay... i just wish i were P-J so she can take me wherever she may go, share moments together, laugh together, walk together, eat together. I wish i were P-J, i don't care kahit ilang beses nya ako madaganan at mapirat, at least i am always with her. I always want to be with you, Ate!!!

Why?!?

It's true talaga that some good things come when you don't expect it. Around 6 p.m. i am at our old house talking with my father while looking his motorcycle. A tiny voice called me, as turned my sight outside, i just saw vague contours of three persons. The one calling me was maphel, my ex girlfriend's best friend. As i am about to talk, she smiled at me. Naka-smile din sakin yong isang person na kasama nila na pinsan ng ex-girlfriend ko. Darkness almost surrounded us making a girl behind my ex-gilrfriend's cousin unnoticeable. creeping! I smiled, my heart suddenly beats fast, i said to myself that it can't be. But, it was indeed what i am thinking. Sya nga yon. i looked at her, could not say anything, until she smiled at me. I just said, 'Bakit ka nandito, bawal na kitang makita diba?" but in fact i was so happy that time. She just responded, "Hinila nila ako dito eh" while hiding her face with her hair. During that time, i just felt that nothing had happened before and nothing has change. Nagkumustahan lang kami at dahil nga pinagbawalan na kaming makita ang isa't isa, di na nagtagal usapan namin. Buti nalang madilim at pumasok ng bahay si papa. hehe..

Unang pagkikita namin yon after ng pagtakas nya sa uncle nya from Mla. to Pal. Almost, one and a half year-long. She is more beautiful now and kinda intimidated whenever i am seeing the changes she had. (Talking about positive changes)

A rare while...

---It was around 4 pm, when my brother asked somebody to call me. I went to him. Just
before i stepped up the stair, he said "Tingnan mo, ganda noh?" while holding a nice jungle knife. I
just said "Astig" as he let me hold it and said "sayo na yan, bigay ko sayo,(as collection)"
Well, i can't resist because when i checked it, its imported, a rare jungle knife. So I
took it. After taking it, he said "Sunod baril naman ibibigay ko sayo, pero wag muna ngayon" I
just smiled at him again. He also said "ano, bukas gusto mo sumama sa amin sa isla? Mag firing
tayo, Papahawakin kita ng M14 tska cl.45." I quickly replied "Sige ba". We talked for about 20
minutes, just until my father arrived.

My brother and I rarely talk at home or anywhere. Sometimes, there are even instances that we are acting as if we do not know each other. I began trying to cope with his attitude when he gave me a gift last Christmas and taught me to drive last vacation. I can still remember how
aloof i am to him during my childhood days, i can still remember how fast i am running away from him and dodging the things he was throwing.

Every time he was in the influence of alcohol, he keep on saying "Basta, sumbong ka lang sa akin
kapag may makaaway ka. Wag ka lang nilang makanti-kanti dahil aadobohin ko sila ng buhay." After he leaves, here comes my mother saying "Wag ka magsusumbong kay kuya mo khit may maka-away ka."... Haha. very contrasting!!!

Ouch...

I CLEARLY SEE THE BOUNDARY BETWEEN FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE. So, do not worry, i will stay behind the line of friendship and will force my self to be happy with it and leave the love behind oblivion... I wanna fight, What can i do, i already lost?

DREAM IS...

Dream is. There iS no happiness in reality, sadness always finds its way.
We can laugh, but not as long as we want, we struggle, everyday we always think
how to be happy in the midst of uncertainties. There are times that i see my
whole existence negatively, as if i do not have any purpose driving me,
just going with the flow. dreams do come true, that's what they say, and that's
what they pray.for in dreamland, strongly desiring for more than required is
free. In dreamland, you can build towers
as tall and still as you want, you can erase the word negative and positively
you can.Sometimes i can say that there is no happiness in reality.
everyone was disappointed with me. my heart beats fast, wanna explode just because i

don't wanna hurt anyone. I always wanted to be someone that others would want

and aspire to be, but i think they don't let me. Some says all of it is a challenge
but for me it appeals to be a burden.

Sometimes i wanted to escape, i try to laugh insanely, smile on things that aren't
funny actually, but they all mistaken it to be something they

do not want. not once did they make me feel worth to be proud of.